How One Woman's Wounds Transformed into the Gift of Sobriety
by Kimberly K., Living in Long-Term Recovery
You know what the best part of my day is?
You know what was the worst part of my day was while in active addiction?
I could end it right there because it basically says it all. I went from wishing death to just not being quite ready for it. I found within these past four years of sobriety that I actually have things to live for and truth be told I am actually excited about it. What a profound statement for me, of all people, to make. I would’ve never imagined I could ever feel that.
I was fifteen when it all began. My addiction came on quite rapidly from the beginning. By the time I was twenty-one I already knew that something was cohabitating within me, and that it had focused its efforts towards my self-destruction. I saw no way out but in death. I was suicidal and my lack of self-worth had diminished. I had already surrendered to my leader.
I continued to torment myself until the age of thirty-one. That is almost seventeen years of living this unrelenting curse filled with hate, rage and complete repulsion. But everyday I am further and further from it, I am stronger, wiser and it is truly a blessing.
My name is Kim and I am an alcoholic.
This is who I am before I am anything else. I am also a mother, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister and a friend but I am alcoholic and will be for the remainder of my life. The moment you forget this, you may be in some trouble and I advise you check yourself.
My sobriety date is November 29, 2013. I’ll give you a quick recap of what that day was like for me. It was early morning the day after Thanksgiving. I was still drunk from the night before, my husband at that time had been arrested for his third DUI. He left our home after a domestic dispute and ultimately ended up in jail. I was drunk, hysterical and out of my mind, in the midst of all this chaos however, I was blessed with a moment of pause. That pause later I concluded was given to me by my higher power. In my mind I saw my son, my beautiful innocent boy running around the house is his one piece jammies. He was smiling and giggling as young babies do. His happiness I was jealous of. How dare I rob him of a peaceful home filled with love.
How unfortunate that he was born into this chaos. I knew at that moment that if I continued down this path I would lose him. He wouldn’t have a mother and maybe not even a father. I was there for him, yes, but only in flesh, my mind and body were in the possession of my other self, my self created demon.
From that day forward I have not had a drink or a drug. I am a mother, daughter, girlfriend, sister and friend and I am present. I show up. People count on me and I deliver. I wake up every morning clear headed and on point armed for the day. I feel untouchable. My days are filled with gratitude that ooze out of every part of me.
I finally feel that peace that I have desired my entire life. My mind has settled and my wounds have healed. I have overcome the intolerable. I have known pain, so I am grateful when I feel happiness. I have known hate, so I feel blessed when I experience love. I have known loss, so I cherish life. I have known financial hardship so when I am given something, whether big or small, I am thankful. I have known chaos, so I pause when I hear silence. I live in the moment and I live day to day.
I am like a child experiencing all of life’s blessings for the first time and I do this hand in hand with my son.
Sobriety does however does come at a cost. You will experience pain, do not be afraid to feel it. You are an open wound and you will bleed. So bleed.
You are allowed to not know who you are anymore, or if you can make it, or how will you fix it or how you will live without it. I am here to tell you that you can. Stop, breath and cry if you have to. Scream at the top of your lungs and do not be ashamed to dismiss people from your life. It may not have to be permanent. You have earned your right to do that. You have chosen a path of transformation that will blow your damn mind.
So go ahead, blow your own damn mind.
My name is Kim and I am an alcoholic. In my desire to give more to what was given to me, I started a blog about my life. My story. The before, the during and the after. I hope to inspire and educate others. I hope my story of success becomes your story of success. Here is a link to my blog!